You and your child are not seeing eye-to-eye. Welcome to adolescence. I want you to congratulate your teen. (Fine, you don't have to tell them to their face; you can do it internally.) Seeing things differently than you is a sign that your teen is right on track. After all, adolescence is the period in which teens begin individuating — figuring out who they are and what is important to them.
Now, this doesn't mean they have to be disrespectful. To the contrary, we want them to be developing healthy communication skills, particularly when it comes to conflict resolution. One of the best ways to help them build these skills is to model them at home. So, what goes into fostering healthy communication?
First, you need to identify your main goal for the conversation. You may not be used to thinking about it in depth, but you enter every interaction with a goal in mind! When you're approaching your teen, what do you want out of it? Let's start with two common goals:
Goal #1: You want your teen to change their behavior. Perhaps there's something you want them to stop or start doing, or something new you want them to agree to. When your priority is getting your teen to fulfill a request, DEAR MAN will serve you well:
Describe the situation, making sure to stick to the facts.
"You've missed dinner for the past four nights."
Express your feelings (note: your sentences should begin with "I.")
"I miss spending time with you and hearing about your day."
Assert your request clearly.
"I'd like you to eat dinner with us at least three times per week."
Reinforce your teen ahead of time by explaining what might be in it for them if they follow through on your request.
"It would help me stay up to date on everything in your life, which I know is important to you."
Stay Mindful: Avoid distractions. Keep your focus on what you want. Continue to come back to your request if the conversation begins to go off topic.
"I know your friends don't eat dinner with their parents, and I'd still like you to eat dinner with us."
Appear confident: Maintain eye contact and give your teen your undivided attention during this conversation.
Negotiate: Be willing to give in order to receive. Be open to alternative solutions or requests.
"If you prioritize eating with us on three nights each week, you are welcome to eat in your room/with friends on the other nights."
"If we eat together during the week, you are welcome to schedule plans during dinner on Friday and Saturday night."
"Okay, let's try two nights and see how it feels."
Goal #2: You want to maintain a healthy relationship with your teen. Perhaps your goal is less objective and more relational. The GIVE skill will be most helpful here. Let's look at an example:
Your daughter's coach called and told you that she snapped at him during practice. You're going to have to talk to her about this when she gets home, and these conversations are typically high-conflict: raised voices, crying, name calling, slammed doors. You want it to be different this time.
Here's what to do:
Be Gentle.
You're trying to maintain a positive relationship here, so remember to be nice and respectful. This can be difficult when we are upset. Avoid attacking, using threats, or making judgmental comments. Monitor your tone of voice!
Act Interested.
Maintain eye contact and give your teen your undivided attention.
Listen and act interested in what your teen is saying. Remember to use non-verbal cues during the conversation (e.g., nodding, gestures, touch, facial expressions).
Do not interrupt or talk over your teen.
Watch your face! You might not be making judgmental statements, but make sure you aren't screwing up your face either.
Validate your teen.
This can be tricky for parents. You don't want to let your teens "get away" with anything. I hear you. Focus on showing your teen that you understand their emotions or their opinion, whichever one happens to be true. Let's take our example above. I'm sure you can relate to the idea of being frustrated and angry, and, once you hear all the details, you might even agree with your daughter that the coach was being a jerk. This does not mean that you agree with your daughter's behavior (i.e., yelling at her coach).
Use an Easy Manner.
Use non-threatening body language (don't cross your arms). If appropriate, don't be afraid to use humor or smile (don't force it if it doesn't feel right!). Do your best to leave attitude and sarcasm behind.
The best part? These skills will work not only with your teen, but with anyone you talk to: your partner, your boss, your parents. Once your teens pick up these skills, they can use them with their friends and teachers as well. Wins for everyone!
If you try these out and still find yourself struggling to communicate calmly, respectfully, and effectively with your teen, you or your teen may benefit from some additional support. Learn more about the support I provide for teens and parents here.